how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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