I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
