Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
