I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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