Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
