Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
