Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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