tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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