Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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