i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
