I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
