I just saw a hot homeless man
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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