What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
