even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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