i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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