they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
