The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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