these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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