He passed out mid-signature
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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