this beer tastes like vomit already
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
