i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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