I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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