nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
