Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
