If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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