Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
