my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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