I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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