the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
