you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
