Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
