My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
