he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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