i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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