I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
