i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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