Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
