remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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