I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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