Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
