You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
