Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
