i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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