Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
