My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
you never un-have a 4some
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
