i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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