wanna go halves on a baby?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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