You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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