i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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