This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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